


Blithering Idiots

by fragilecapricornpanic



Series: AU One Shots [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Assassin Number Five | The Boy, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy-centric, Old Number Five | The Boy, One Shot, POV Alternating, POV Number Five | The Boy, Post Season 2, Post-Canon, Season 2 spoilers, Vanya Hargreeves Deserves Better, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:08:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26933374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilecapricornpanic/pseuds/fragilecapricornpanic
Summary: One shot surrounding what happened when adult Number Five got shoved into the vortex by 1963 Luther. How did things change in that alternate timeline?
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & The Hargreeves (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy) & Everyone
Series: AU One Shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1965310
Comments: 2
Kudos: 66





	Blithering Idiots

**Author's Note:**

> Not rlly mature just rated that way bc of one joke

Unceremoniously landing on the ground, Five was relieved he hadn’t been spat out a teenager like the obnoxious version of him he’d left in Dallas. He hoped that wasn’t how he came across to everyone else... “Does anyone else see an old guy, or is that just me?” Klaus drawled, them all leaning over him like he was in some kind of zoo enclosure. “Shut up, Klaus.” Five grouched, already irritated by his brother. Clearly he hadn’t changed one bit based on his utterly bizarre outfit. Klaus chuckled with disbelief and began to hurl some kind of insult at him before both Diego and Luther shoved him to the back. “How did you know his na-“ his brothers said in unison, immediately cutting themselves off to scowl at one another. Five rolled his eyes, seeing they clearly hadn’t changed either. This Luther seemed somewhat different to the one in Dallas, but Five frankly didn’t care either way. He would still be a moron. Five was still rather irate at Luther for siding with that brat instead of him, but he was objectively aware it was another version of his brother.

Maybe it would’ve been preferable to have been thirteen and recognisable, at least then he wouldn’t have to be interrogated by blithering idiots. Five unbuttoned his cuff to roll down his sleeve, which made both of his caveman brothers ready themselves for a fight. “I’m showing you my tattoo, you buffoons.” Five hissed, making his brothers still with confusion. Showing them his arm, Five stormed past the fools towards the kitchen - desperately needing a sandwich. It was an unbelievable relief to see his family again, but they were headache inducing. He already felt exhausted from the chaos of Dallas and the monumental jump here. This moment was all he could possibly focus on for decades, but he was still grumpy. That pubescent turd and the psychosis he’d brought with him had left Five in an even fouler mood than usual.

Luther and Diego turned to each other with intense bafflement, both unable to utter a word. “Is that...” Allison murmured, looking over at the old man with curiosity. “Five.” Luther and Diego confirmed, glowering at each other again for saying the same thing once more. Taking a moment to get over the shock, the siblings followed Five inside. They were surprised to find him marching to the kitchen to strangely make a sandwich.

Five didn’t trust that little pip squeak or the monkey man for one single minute. He was about to check the date, when Klaus leaned uncomfortably closely to snidely stare at his facial hair. “Whats with the moustache?” Five jumped away from him, haughtily satisfied that his siblings would have forgotten about that handy move. “ _You_ have a moustache.” Five uttered with irritation, judging himself for reverting back into childish bickering at his age. “Don’t call it a moustache!” Klaus exclaimed with disgusted outrage “Yours is like a high school gym teacher’s, one of the creepy ones who diddle ki-“ Numbers One to Three all shushed him with various stages of aggression, though Diego was clearly trying not to smirk.

”Why are you so _old_?” Allison asked with a furrowed brow and look of disgust. Klaus was kind of right though, the moustache was hideous. She was somewhat embarrassed on Five’s behalf, Allison would have to convince him to shave.

“Where have you been?” Luther grunted sternly, feeling firmly untrusting.

“Wh-“ Diego abruptly stopped himself, bashfully clearing his throat since he was going to say the exact same thing as _Luther_ for the third time.

Choosing to blank his siblings, Five jumped over to grab the newspaper from the kitchen table instead - deciding it would be less infuriating to get the date that way. Vanya stood nervously on the sidelines of the situation, seeming like she’d never felt more uncomfortable in her entire life. Five immediately disregarded what the Dallas versions of himself and Luther had said. They were both clearly dullards, the kid was an absolute lunatic, and there was no way in hell _Vanya_ could’ve caused the apocalypse. She was too gentle, too submissive. It was bullshit. He was still going to follow his main lead, the glass eye. To tell the truth, Five was unsure just how much of that scenario in 1963 had actually been real. He still didn’t feel quite back to usual.

—

”So we were together in the future?” Luther questioned, struggling to follow along with this tall tale. Five rolled his eyes arrogantly, knowing this next bit was going to shatter their tiny shrivelled brains. He should’ve never even attempted to tell them anything. “No. We were in 1963.” All of his siblings scowled at him, besides Vanya who just looked concerned. Just more evidence she wasn’t going to kill them all in a murderous rage. “I thought you said you’re from the future.” Diego impolitely gestured to Five’s wrinkled appearance. “I am. I went back.” Five was growing progressively disgruntled by his siblings’ simple natures. “If you went back to _1963_ , why did it take you so many years to come here?” Allison inquired, feeling a growing element of doubt towards her brother’s story. “It was different.” Five reticently stated, choosing not to overcomplicate things by confessing to being a temporal assassin with a time travelling briefcase. They’d just get confused. Obviously.

“Don’t you _love_ us?!” Klaus whined, quite evidently just pretending to be heartbroken. Luther kind of missed the moon, at least then he didn’t have to be remotely near Klaus, or most importantly _Diego_. “This doesn’t make any sense.” Diego threw his hand up dismissively, admittedly having his brain frazzled by this topic. “Why _him_?” he pointed to Luther scornfully with the tip of his blade. “Because I’m Number One.” Luther remarked with confidence, finding the answer to that question incredibly obvious. Five sighed with aggravation as One and Two began to quarrel childishly. They were unthinkably dim witted. Luther’s _brain_ must look like a monkey’s too. He certainly wasn’t going to tell these kids about the wacko theory surrounding Vanya. Five needed a goddamn drink, or at the very least some coffee. Why wouldn’t Allison just rumor them into shutting up? “So why were you guys in Dallas?” Allison asked for the third time, swirling the ice cubes around in her tumbler.

Hobbling over to the children to announce the funeral taking place soon, Pogo jumped when he saw an elderly gentleman casually bickering with the others. “I don’t _know_ why we were there, I was in parad-“

”Paradox psychosis, yes we know.” Luther snipped, relieved Diego hadn’t said the same thing too. “You must have asked _something_?” Allison murmured judgementally, astounded that her supposedly smartest sibling would be so careless. Five huffed with irritation, seeming completely done with this line of questioning. “Why was he a goddamn kid?! Am I the only one who heard that part?!” Klaus yelled dramatically, mind blown that no one else seemed to care about the absurdity. Vanya began to shyly speak, but Diego very rudely held up a finger to stop her. “He surprisingly has a point, why were you a kid?”

” _I_ am not him, _he_ is not me. We’re completely separate, alternate versions of Five.” he growled, embarrassed he’d been stupid enough to have gotten the equations wrong. His siblings would have been incapable of even working out 2+2 though, Five was still assured he wasn’t as useless as them. They didn’t need to know about his almost error anyway, since he’d avoided de-aging. “Master Five?” Pogo limped towards them with a face of comforted mystification. “Pogo.” Five greeted coldly, uninterested by the chimp’s interruption. He only ever enabled their father’s abuse, Five certainly wasn’t going to welcome him. “Where’s mom?” Diego instantly asked Pogo, clearly still irrationally enamored by an android. Pogo looked unimpressed with Diego’s curtness, though he gave her location anyway. 

Number Two skulked off to find her at once. Pogo gazed back up to Five, smiling warmly. “I don’t wish to be impolite, but may I ask why you’re-“ “Almost as old as you?” Five cut him off bluntly, smirking at the chimps unease. Allison raised her eyebrows with shocked amusement, Klaus was absolutely _thrilled_ by the drama, Ben looked up from his book to snort, Vanya anxiously slipped yet another pill into her mouth, and Luther glared at Five furiously. “Don’t talk to him like that.” Number One grunted, threateningly broadening his shoulders even more than they weirdly already were. Five rolled his eyes and stole a decanter of liquor from Klaus’ hand before promptly jumping into another room. “You little shit!”

Following their brother this time was significantly more difficult since they didn’t know where the hell he went. “Haven’t missed that.” Luther mumbled, looking to Allison awkwardly. She gave a bashful smile and demurely sipped from her drink. Klaus looked to Ben, glowering at him to try and prompt him to phase through the walls and look for the jumping jackass. “I’m good.” his dead brother replied smugly, getting back to his boring book. It was hard to resist yelling at him. “Maybe he’s looking at his portrait?” Vanya tentatively suggested, knowing she’d probably do the same thing - even though if she’d gone missing dad definitely wouldn’t have commemorated her. Luther nodded with a stony face, evidently not best pleased to be taking ideas from the ordinary one. “She’s probably right.” Allison agreed supportively, feeling guilty that her sister looked so unimaginably uncomfortable in her own former home. Pogo stood in puzzled silence, unsure how to respond to this unexpected development. He hoped his master’s funeral wouldn’t be forgotten.

The portrait did kind of look like that kid in Dallas... except his face wasn’t enraged enough. “I remember when you looked like that.” Vanya said with a smirk as she diffidently approached, scanning Five’s now aged face wistfully. “You’re not telling us something.” Luther grunted, barging in front of Vanya before they’d even had a chance to converse. “I’m not telling you a lot of things, because you’re too much of an imbecile to understand.” Five uttered with disdain, having the decanter snatched from his hand by Four. “You were just stood near an _entire bar_ , Klaus.” Five scrunched his face up with irritation, astonished by the continued stupidity of his siblings. “It’s the principle!” Klaus pettily replied, getting shoved away once again by a frustrated Luther.

Diego sauntered over too, presumably done with mommy time for now. “What aren’t you telling us?” Number Two inquired menacingly, narrowing his eyes with suspicion. Allison swanned over, them all swarming around him like earlier. Five began to jump away but his arm was placed in a death grip by Luther. “You’re old, there were two of you - and apparently two of me-“

”And the other Five was a kid, let’s address that!” Klaus shouted over Luther, pissed he was being pushed aside with Vanya. The rest of his siblings completely ignored him.

”-you need to tell us what’s going on, Five.” Luther sternly finished his sentence, wishing Klaus was as timid as Vanya and would shut up for once in his life. “Fine.” Five spat, looking incandescent due to Luther preventing him from escaping. “The apocalypse is in-“ Four of his siblings began to exclaim at once, not even having the decency to let him answer the question they kept badgering him with. “The apocalypse is in eight days, and I don’t know how to stop it.” Five hollered several decibels louder than them, wishing he’d just stayed in goddamn Dallas.


End file.
